Suffering from depression, I was wondering why I was so emotional the other day. Was talkting to Fire and just talking in general about love and life etc, getting a little intense and choked up. Then he played a song, wasn't so much the song and the stuff we were talking about but more the fact that I was opening up. It made me cry and I bawled like a baby. Seriously could not understand that. Its not like the times I cried in Tokyo where i was heart broken and devastated that I had lost Teddy. It was more a breaking down of sorts. Unleash of a torrent of emotions buried under motlen rock. I found it strange and just figured it may have been that I lacked the feeling of being loved and since I was talking to Fire it brought out those emotions.

Well looking back on that, I don't know if that was it. But today was bad. I would sit there and stare into space and just feel like crying. Its weird that I should be hit so hard today. Past few days haven't been feeling all that great and just couldn't figure out why I was so lazy to go out. Was actually feeling obligated to go meet E & T.

I reflected on it today and its the whole combination of having no grounding currently, work, relationship and family. Family is fine, but the whole taking over thing has really got to me. I feel obliged to commit to my family and at the same time feel like I have to choose between my potential relationship and my family. This is a choice I never had to make before. Its not a big deal if i turn them down, but I feel that they deserve to see the continuity of their years of hardship. Work isn't going well either so one of the two choices will nullify that. But may and potentially would nullify the other.

Not having grounding, I delve into a different plane wondering why I have to seek that sort of succes, why I can't just make the choices I do and not have to think of the consequences. I want to be free free of choices because choices mean consequences. Free will mean absolute freedom from repurcussions. I feel trapped, that gets me depressed. I feel confused that makes me emotional. I get more depressed as i get more emotional and end up being depressed that I am depressed.

Relooking at this weekend that passed, I was happy to just sit here in isolation albeit my chat freinds. But isn't this what happened back in 97 - 98 when i isolated myself after the who Terryl fiasco? I hid in my shell and sunk into depression, at first I was happy just being isolated and chatting online, but it soon got me depressed. Me wanting to be isolated now makes me stay home bored, thus i go to chat. Is it chat that makes me depressed or depression that makes me chat? One has nothing to do with the other but consequential of the state of my mind. I am seeing the signs and know that I am truly depressed.

I can't bring myself to smile, I can try to sound chirpy but its fake and I jsut go back to staring. I am not thinking am not dwelling. I will give myself time when I go on vacation to think about things, i hope i can btu it may be having too much fun to do it. I think that may be a good thing but look what happened in Tokyo. Used that as an escape and I think that too has a factor of piling on the dissent into my state of unhappiness and depression. I don't want that to happen when i go on vacation although I think it will If it does, I will and must make time for myself to think about things. I want to reflect on my life. Sit on a beautiful beach with the waves crashing, me looking into the ocean and just sitting there with peace of mind. Then in that state of calmness reflect on my choices and my consequences. Think about what it is i want, I may not find the asnwers. But I would have the sound of waves crashing in my head and I will be content.

Gave them a piece of my mind today. Well at least in the best medium possible and yet in a politically correct manner. Stayed at work late and went out to drinks.

Oh my god, he still so gets under my skin. Its been what? 4 years now. And he still soooo gets under my skin. I can't keep my eyes off him. This is soooo bad. I caught him looking at me a few times, but I wasn't looking. Once i was looking straight ahead and he glanced at me and cos i was looking straight ahead and he was in my line of vision, I held his gaze for awhile then i looked away. What a dufus!

I can't get why he still sooo gets under my skin, what is it? The fact that I haven't had him. In the same way whats his face is the same, but dude! whats his face is mild compared to the way this one gets under my skin. And in comparison its 4 months as opposed to 4 years. Jeeez.

Ok being tossed around like a piece of meat. Ever wondered how the lil sheep feel when they being chased around by the sheep dog. Well not really but i'm starting to feel that. Or when ya about to explode but someone puts the lid back on the bursting kettle... you hear the sloooowww whiiinnneeee. Oh boy!!

So today i dropped my shoulders and showed my displeasure. Not that that works in the work environment. Hmm I think i need to work on that pout a little more. Lets see where this goes next week.

Have had it up to here with bullshit, being asked to do last minute things. Not like I don't have my own things going on. Blah!! He just always thinks that his heard of sheep will go baa baa whenever he wants the chorus. Then he takes you by the ears and sheds ya!! Fucker!!

Are we all just at a crossroads in our lives? I would assume so, hitting 30 soon, have nothing to show for ourselves except what is on the surface. We have our cars, boyfriends (sometimes), jobs (as opposed to careers) and are still hip with things at the lastest seen and be seen.

So fucking what one might ask, well truth is.. nothing! What do we want? Well i think thats the mother of questions here, if we knew we wouldn't be where we are straggling between cloud 9 and eternal damnation. The go-getters out there know what they want, they are the ones with the good grades, the great jobs, buying themselves their first homes now. Me, i'm almost 30 with no savings and no career. Am i happy, well yea maybe. Am i proud of my acheivements, well no not really. Do i want more out of my life, well i really dunno. Is there more?

Life is what you make it out to be. And at this point I'm making it out to be a flouting cloud, just flouting through that wide blue sky we call life. Sometimes, i well up and let out a storm, sometimes the wind carries me with energy and gusto to do the things i want to do in life, sometimes i just sit there waiting for things to happen, and sometimes i just disappear.

What brings this banter on? I played hookie today cos i just didn't feel like going to work, about the 2nd time this month, not to count the other time when i decided to just go into work at noon. I am so sick of it and i know i should do somethign about it. Yes am at a crossroads and my mind wants to get up and go do somethign about it, but my lazy ass jsut chooses not to move. Who can i blame but myself. Every year i go through the same shit. Its turning another year older that does that to ya.