Suffering from depression, I was wondering why I was so emotional the other day. Was talkting to Fire and just talking in general about love and life etc, getting a little intense and choked up. Then he played a song, wasn't so much the song and the stuff we were talking about but more the fact that I was opening up. It made me cry and I bawled like a baby. Seriously could not understand that. Its not like the times I cried in Tokyo where i was heart broken and devastated that I had lost Teddy. It was more a breaking down of sorts. Unleash of a torrent of emotions buried under motlen rock. I found it strange and just figured it may have been that I lacked the feeling of being loved and since I was talking to Fire it brought out those emotions.

Well looking back on that, I don't know if that was it. But today was bad. I would sit there and stare into space and just feel like crying. Its weird that I should be hit so hard today. Past few days haven't been feeling all that great and just couldn't figure out why I was so lazy to go out. Was actually feeling obligated to go meet E & T.

I reflected on it today and its the whole combination of having no grounding currently, work, relationship and family. Family is fine, but the whole taking over thing has really got to me. I feel obliged to commit to my family and at the same time feel like I have to choose between my potential relationship and my family. This is a choice I never had to make before. Its not a big deal if i turn them down, but I feel that they deserve to see the continuity of their years of hardship. Work isn't going well either so one of the two choices will nullify that. But may and potentially would nullify the other.

Not having grounding, I delve into a different plane wondering why I have to seek that sort of succes, why I can't just make the choices I do and not have to think of the consequences. I want to be free free of choices because choices mean consequences. Free will mean absolute freedom from repurcussions. I feel trapped, that gets me depressed. I feel confused that makes me emotional. I get more depressed as i get more emotional and end up being depressed that I am depressed.

Relooking at this weekend that passed, I was happy to just sit here in isolation albeit my chat freinds. But isn't this what happened back in 97 - 98 when i isolated myself after the who Terryl fiasco? I hid in my shell and sunk into depression, at first I was happy just being isolated and chatting online, but it soon got me depressed. Me wanting to be isolated now makes me stay home bored, thus i go to chat. Is it chat that makes me depressed or depression that makes me chat? One has nothing to do with the other but consequential of the state of my mind. I am seeing the signs and know that I am truly depressed.

I can't bring myself to smile, I can try to sound chirpy but its fake and I jsut go back to staring. I am not thinking am not dwelling. I will give myself time when I go on vacation to think about things, i hope i can btu it may be having too much fun to do it. I think that may be a good thing but look what happened in Tokyo. Used that as an escape and I think that too has a factor of piling on the dissent into my state of unhappiness and depression. I don't want that to happen when i go on vacation although I think it will If it does, I will and must make time for myself to think about things. I want to reflect on my life. Sit on a beautiful beach with the waves crashing, me looking into the ocean and just sitting there with peace of mind. Then in that state of calmness reflect on my choices and my consequences. Think about what it is i want, I may not find the asnwers. But I would have the sound of waves crashing in my head and I will be content.