Dreams to take away my insanity (reposted from 360)

The last few months have put alot of stress on me because of work... I usually work well under pressure... but these days theres also alot of of people issues... someone read my birth numbers once and told me I think too much and work too hard and amongst other things, that people stress me out.. I found it odd that she said that because I have always thought of myself as a people person... whilst the main feature of my job is not people... at the end of the day I deal with alot of people... the stress I have been feeling over the last few months has been more people related than actual content related. Previously, it was always deadlines and actual work load... now its all that plus making people happy... which to be honest I do not have the time to do.. so its more of fighting the fires as they rage and not to have some time bomb ticking such that it explodes in my face. Alot of this is dealing with difficult and demanding clients, bosses that have little time to spare such that you need to handle everything and catch them for their 5 minute input and approval, staff that work for me that are either incompetent or belong to that whole different generation where hard work is just not enough for them, and self worth is worht a whole lot more even though they havent taken the time to think about what they really are worth... in the job aspect at least...

So all these stresses... took its toll on my health.. I'm not like really sick or anything like that but.. I have been falling ill with the haze going on here as some of you might have already heard... it comes and goes and i live with it for several days still at work.. taking half a days rest here and there a few times i had to take a off cos I was feeling bad, last week I took 2.... wether is psychosomatic or physilogical, my body was responding to that stress... the good thing I noticed is that I havent gotten any reflux which usually happens when im stressd, but I have also quit drinking of sorts. Yes I know I went out and got wasted last Saturday so sue me
This cyclical nature of my life always leaves me want of energy, depleted of life... I carry on in a sometimes methodical yet chaotic manner getting things done, like one of those shoot em up games, hitting one target at a time in a random fashion, but when you've played that scene before, you kinda know where the bad guys or monsters are till you come to a new scene.
When it all comes to a stand... I feel that I do all this for nothing, yes such is life and we all have our jobs and our stresses in life.. so why should I miss Pricess Kitty be any different, and thats why i carry on. But yet, when I take lifes remote control and pause it for a second, the realities of it is I have nothing.

I was in that zone last night, I knew that it was coming, I sense it last week... but i felt particularly bad last night... I can't say it was my worse cos God knows I've had much worse... but it was probably a 5.5 on the scale.

After talking to someone who sensed that I was feeling bad, I was going to go to bed.. and he wished me good dreams... pretty normal parting gestures... and said he would light a dream candle for me.. so i could dream. He said dreaming makes you feel better... well for me all of the dreams I can remember in the last few years were not dreams but nightmares.

I went to bed... and i dreamt... it wasnt a good dream at first.. in fact it was kinda scarey and theres was fighting and fear... I could send the fear... I wish I could remember it more.. but the fear wasnst as strong as in some of my other dreams.. my other dreams was a sense of helpless terror... this one had some sens of hope... and at the end of the dream like some horror flick... after all the death and fighting.. there was calm....not a sense of happiness or joy... but calm because the worse was over and we can now pick up the pieces and move on. I woke up and went wow I actually did dream...

Went to work today and had a weird sense of calm about me... the office was really queit too since its a holiday tomorrow and alot of people have taken the day off to take advantage of a long weekend... I went about clearing the approximately 100 emails I had in my mailbox.. most of them i had already seen on the BlackBerry... or was jsut an FYI for me so I could file them.. I took action on a few of them.. and decided to be methodical about how I wanted to approach my tasks today... killing off the to do list made up in my mind one step at a time... I knew that I had a shitload of things more to do... but it didnt worry me.. and I wasnt stressing... even when I found out I had to attend a meeting to day for somethign I had almost no clue about because the 2 other people weren't able to attend the meeting, I didnt panic... usually my heart would start racing. It went up a tiny half notch and taht was it.. but I decided to stay clam and try to prepare for the meeting.. it went well. Had a small crisis erupt at the end of the day but again...was calm and did what I could.. with only 1 bar raised on my heart palpitations.. LOL... So all in all I feel good.

I had to tell my friend that the candle worked!! Most might not want to beleive that bull but it might not be the candle itself but the energy that was sent my way... I had to thell him that I dreamt! And whats even more freaky... the candle holder cracked just about the time I woke up from my dream..

So thank you for sending your energy my way for helping me releave my demons from my soul... allowing me to dream and take the insanity away from my mind.

Diet, stress and lack of sleep

I started my diet yesterday, its only suppose to be for a couple of weeks to get back on track since I been junking too much lately. So first week I'm being stricter.

Breakfast: Coffee with low fat milk / Cafe con leche (low fat)
Lunch: Tuna salad - Which I didnt finish because i just wasn't hungry
Dinner: Piece of chicken, spinach and some tempe

I couldnt sleep last night again... tried to go to bed early about 11.30pm but just couldnt get to sleep so got up and came online, was practising some spanish. Jumped back into bed about 2am but I probably didnt get to sleep till like 3am .... and then I got owken up by this massize storm at 5am and that was it I could not go back to sleep.... I resigned myself to my fate and got out of bed at 6am... sat here and sorted out my bills... its about 8.19am now and I am exhausted, not to mention that I have a long day today.. shit.. I need a fuckin break!

Kicked out of the Ritz

LMFAO.... I was googling to find that email invitation from Citibank Intern I got in my mail box last week to post to a friend, its on my work email which I probably deleted, but I wanted a friend to read it so I googled it and ... and there are now Lucy Gao Tshirts( https://www.cafepress.com/nycbuzz/1771476)!! buuahahahaha... its fucking funny....

Check out the original email and other commentary posted on http://lucygao.blogspot.com/

Yellow ribbons

Well I know my last blog was all about how I'm such a busy person and no time for my fun at Salsa class... LOL.. but on Friday... i took a couple of hours off work to hit the streets to sell yellow ribbons as part of my company's community outreach programme. We volunteered 250 people to participate in selling yellow ribbons as part of the yellow ribbon foundation here (http://www.yellowribbon.org.sg/). The yellow ribbon foundation aims to raise funds in support of ex-offenders and their families. Supporting families of ex-offenders and rehabilitation programmes to get ex-convicts back into society. As its tag line says "Help unlock the second prison".

I know its kinda a weird charity to be supporting... LOL.. but I guess my Company beleives insupporting a wide range of charities and most of the sick and needy already get alot of support in terms of donations...

So I stationed myself a couple of blocks away from my office in the central business district, it was actually my designated area and ask random passer bys for their contribution... some people just walked away and acted like I didnt exist.. there werent that many of those sorts.. thank god... some just said no and walked by hurriedly... some stopped to ask what it was about... most gave loose change or a couple of dollars... one guy gave me 50 bucks... and told me that this was his favorite charity... I was shocked and couldnt even contain my surprise... i thanked him and was beaming ... LOL.. maybe he's an ex-con.. LMAO...

Anyway, as busy as I am, I don't think any of us are too big or important not to take time out to give back to the people that need it... I wish i did more in terms of charity work, but I really don't know how I would be in terms of dealing with kids and old folk. I know my company does have programmes with homes where you take the kids out or go visit homes... Im not so sure I'm ready for all that yet... but I'm sure I'll find my own thing to help give a little back...

Missed Salsa this week...

So I didnt make it to my 2nd Salsa class this week.... work got in the way... i left work 10pm.. almost got locked out of my clients office.. cos I went to the bathroom at about 9pm and tried to come back into the office through the security pass doors..and my security pass wouldn work.. LOL... after a certain time you need to enter a pin code.. and I didnt know my pin code... i was like HELLLLLL NOOOO... all my stuff was still in the office.. LOL.. lucky some chicks walked by after i was standing there for like 5 mins.. and i asked them if they could let me in.. LOL.. they told me that the pin code was the last 4 digits on my security pass... DOH!!!

My project is in its final month.. I hope.. LOL>. it was in its final month 2 monhts ago... and I've already started another project.. which is more or less running itself.. but I do have to get involved and fight the fights and make the decisions.... but its wearing me down again with all this work...

Times like this you sit back and go well what the hell am I doing all this for??? More SHOES??? Certainly not...they don't pay me enough...

I come home looking forward to be online with a really good friend who has been my saving grace for the last few months.. but he's now on a different time schedule so we don't get to chat... so just a couple of emails here and there a day...

Oh well.. im sure I'll find something else to keep me entertained.. ... In the meantime.. i think I should seriously start planning my next vacation....

Gadget Alert!!! (Reposted from 360)

I've reposted this blog from my Yahoo 360 here...

I've gone out and bought myself a new gadget! AGAIN! Well I was long overdue to get a new cellphone... so here it is my Motorola RAZR V3i. This pic is of the silver blueish one, I got a Mauroon one .
Let me tell you getting this damn phone has taken forever, I remember a year ago telling my friends that I needed a new phone, but I just never got around to it. Instead I got my new ipod Nano, a new Tumi laptop backpack, my Blackberry, new speakers for PC, even a new purse but I just never got around to getting that new phone. And all that time not 1 new pair of SHOES

But I got it now...wow was it a hassle even after I got it. The damn thing was faulty, it had a faulty battery cover that would not close right. I took it back to the store immediately that day, but the guy claimed that he didnt have another Mauroon set to exchange it for and he didnt have any spare battery covers So i demanded that he order one in and let me know when I can come back to do a swap. Can you beleive the retard actually tried to bend the cover so it would fit. He tried to assure me it could be fixed and was a small matter not a problem, actually first he tried to tell me that it was fine, then he tried to tell me to go to Motorola directly cos it was still under warranty. The NERVE! I was starting to get agitated! But I relented got the number of the store, left my number and he said he would call back the next day.

The next day, it was noon and still no call so I called them up and some other person answered and was clueless, he put the same guy back on the phone and the guy was like I can't help you, can you just come down back to the store and my manager will speak to you. I was like WTF??!! What exactly is your manager going to do for me... he said he didnt know and just to come down. I was infuriated.. Let me speak to you Manager!!! ARgggghhh...

Get this the Manager, was a even bigger RETARD!! He said dont worry dont worry I'll fix it.. I was like what do you propose to do to fix it. Why can't you just get me a replacement cover. Your guy tried fixing it already and couldn't! He said, oh my guy isnt as experienced, I can fix it for you.. don't worry dont' worry and I said what if you can't. I'm not coming down there for you to try to fix it and then not have a replacement, I will come down for you to try but you better have that replacement cover when I'm there! He was like don't worry don't worry AGAIN!! and HUNG UP on ME!!

Oh I was soooo mad!! But I went down to the store later that day and after fiddling with it for 15 mins trying to "fix" it... he gave up and sheepishly said, Oh i've never encountered this before... and I was like I told you it was a defective cover!!! He then went ahead to replace the battery cover with another one and this one worked!

Well, after that terrible ordeal. I've recovered from the trauma of incomptent and idiotic and retarded sales people, I am now fiddling around with the features on my new phone, putting new ring tones on it.. havent yet fiddled with the other features... it is KICK ASS... and looks so sleek and cool!

Here is a summary of features:

• Updated and streamlined Motorola RAZR V3 design
• 1.23 megapixel digital camera with 8x digital zoom, video capture and full screen viewfinder
• iTunes® music software or Motorola’s Digital Audio Music Player** with mini-USB stereo headset
• Airplane mode
• Hot swappable MicroSD™ memory card• 262K color wallpapers & screensavers on internal display
• 65K color support on external display
• Speaker independent name & digit dialing• Dedicated browser and messaging keys***
• Integrated Class 1 Bluetooth technology with imaging, printing, peer to peer gaming profiles
• Motorola’s SCREEN3 technology* solution featuring zero-click access to news, sports, entertainment and other program content*
• Rich, pre-loaded or downloaded J2ME™ games, screen savers and MP3 ringtones

Oh and the store I bought it from is Cost Tyre, level 2 Suntec Tower Mall... Don't let the incompentent fools get you!!!

One night in Bangkok

Ok so I'm back from my little offsite from Bangkok.. I have to say I was quite dreading it... but it turned out to be quite alot of fun and way too much drinking for some one thats given up alcohol.... The highlights of my trip was dabbling in another professional career as an actress. We had a 2 1/2 min video production filled with sex, violence and comedy.. or as much as we could pack in a 2 1/2 minute amateur production with no editing...it was indeed quite a fun event to do...of course having a hot dutch co-star helped. But I think I'll stick to my day job...On that note.. yup... co-star sure was a hottie.. dayum too bad he married... oh well just my luck huh..

Emotions: Bereavement

Today I heard news that a friend just lost their less than 2 week old baby... the news obviously came as a shock to me and I was speechless at first. Emotions are such a curious thing that lurk within you and make you feel and react instinctively without thought... when i first heard about it through a mutual friend, unbeleivably, i thought well maybe it was best that they lost their baby... what a horrible thought I know... for 2 reasons I thought this.. 1) The baby wasn't well, he had a heart condition and probably would not have the quality of life that he deserved...I dont know the details of his heart ondition but that was one thought and the other 2) the couple, the mother and father have been going through some trying times and as much as I know the father loves his son, I also know that for months the father wanted to end his relationship with the mother... and I think in some way he gave in because of their unborn child.... What a horrible thought but in my mind it was like an escape for this couple... to work on their relationship without the complications of a child... then i also realised that maybe this loss might bring them closer in their shared lost...but whatever the case maybe I do not wish that upon anyone and am truly sorry for their lost...

I went to the blog that I heard from our mutual friend that announced this tragedy... and as I read the blog... all those thoughts were completely erased from my mind... the cold thoughts of an outsider were completely erased and i started to tear and feel the full strength of emotions overwhelm me... my friend has just lost her baby... and I can't even begin to imagine the pain she and her boyfriend are going though... I love you Tati and Mark...and even though I'm not posting this on my 360 blog where you guys and all our friends would see it ...(I think its too painful and too insensitive to post these personal thoughts of mine there... I did post my condolescences on Tat's 360) my prayers and thoughts are with you and your beautiful son Tomas.

Nightmares

I've been having nightmares again... its been happening every few months and they scare the shit outta me. Its always about me fighting or resisting demons or evils.. this time they were ghosts. I wake up completely terrified and I immiediately need to call or talk to someone. It first happened years ago when I was still living with Teddy... and these days it only seems to happen when I'm away from home... like on one of these business trips...

To choose to think there are supernatural beings haunting me or that I am fighting my own demons... no matter what.. its fucking disturbing and scarey. Last night it happened again and first thing I wanted to do was to pick up the phone and call... I couldnt find my phone and it turns out it was on my desk.. beside the puter... and Buddy was online so... I decided to talk to him about it...its like I need to talk to someone immediately after I've had one of these nightmares...to know they arent real.. to know that they cant come back to haunt me while I am awake.

Anyway today I decided to google dreams and look up some of the stuff on dream analysis...its not a very in depth research but here is some stuff I came up with relating to my dream... now I cant recall my dream very much.. but some things I do remember and the general theme.. In fact.. after I talked to Buddy... I ended up having another shorter dream kinda related.

First Dream

Lets see... I was in a house the house had four corners.. I was sleeping in one of the rooms in one of the corners and mom was sleeping at the other end on the other side... I cant remember if it was the corner across from me or diagonal... but in the other corners were evil spirits or ghost or what have you.. but they were bad news. So Im waking up from sleep in my dream and trying to get to Mom to warn her about the bad stuff... but I cant.. I dont know why I cant... theres an old woman and she's scary... its like she's a zombie or something... kinda like a corpse decayed and greenish grey with a head of grey curls and some grandma ish floral dress.. OMG like the woman from psycho.. fuckin scary... and she's stopping me from getting across the room to mom.. and I'm yelling and screaming but mom cant hear me... cos the voice is not coming out.. and im yelling.. and then i wake up.. and when I wake up.. at that precise moment I think my voice became audible somewhere between dream state and real life...

Second Dream

Ok so after I talked to Buddy, I went back to bed and only woke up when Go called me... and in that time I dreamt something, but I cant be sure what, Dad was sorta in that dream but not really... and he was telling me the solution to get rid of the evil... there was something I need to find, capes or something of that sort and I was suppose to burn them... and then I woke up... I'm not sure wether I did find what it was I was suppose to burn and if i burnt it.

So heres the stuff I found on the general theme in my dream:
To dream you are the victim of haunting by the spirit, or supernatural side, shows that you have many things on your mind, and/or things that 'come back to haunt you'. Use all the parts of your dream to find out just what situation in your life is haunting you and put your mind at ease. http://www.sleeps.com

A nightmare is a disturbing dream that causes the dreamer to wake up feeling anxious and frightened. Nightmares may be a response to real life trauma and situations. These type of nightmares fall under a special category called Post-traumatic stress nightmare (PSN). Nightmares may also occur because we have ignored or refused to accept a particular life situation. Research shows that most people who have regular nightmares have had a family history of psychiatric problems, bad drug experiences, people who have contemplated suicide, and/or rocky relationships. Nightmares are an indication of a fear that needs to be acknowledged and confronted. It is a way for our subconscious to make up take notice.

Relationships

Your intimate relationships and your daily interactions with people can also be a source of your nightmares. You may have paranoia about how your think others perceive you. You fear that they do not understand and see who you really are. Isolation and unhappiness may appear in nightmares as abandonment and loneliness.

Work

Since most of us spend the majority of our day at work, it is no surprise that work-related issues are a common source for your nightmares. Stress, job security (or there lack of), co-workers, unresolved work problems, or general dissatisfaction with what you do can manifest into a nightmare. The nightmare may reflect feelings of frustration and an inability to control your work-related issues. People in high-stress level or high-risk jobs often report of having nightmares. Nightmares of this nature may appear as you being attacked, chased, or being out of control.

Ghost
In general, ghosts symbolizes aspects of yourself that you fear. This may involve a painful memory, guilt, or some repressed thoughts. You may be afraid of death and dying. Alternatively, ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. This dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior.

Fighting
To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.

Mother

To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

Father
To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father.

Fire
Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolizes destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.

http://www.dreammoods.com